An old farmer had owned a large farm for many years. He had a huge man-made pond out back with a beautiful picnic area, For years it was the perfect place to unwind or hold a family get together. As the farmer grew older, his "Oasis" was used less and less. It eventually became the local swimming hole and while his neighbors occasionally took advantage of the pond, he rarely made an appearance. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond. He hadn't been there in a while and felt the urge to pay a visit to check on things. As he neared the pond, he heard loud playful voices giggling and laughing. As he came closer he was astonished to see that a bunch of young women had decided to skinny dip in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked. I'm here to feed the alligator." 

An American businessman is on a business trip in Japan and hires a hooker. The whole night, this Japanese hooker keeps screaming: "Hoshimota! Hoshimota!" He can't quite remember what the word means, but he's sure he's pleased the hooker to best of his ability. The next morning, he goes to play a game of golf with his Japanese business partner when he makes a hole-in-one. Everyone is congratulating him in Japanese and he can't think anything to say but "HOSHIMOTA!" Concerned, his partner turns to him "What do you mean it's in the wrong hole? 

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service ID badge and a dull gray dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. "Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes." "I'm not falling for this." Says the man, "I'm not going to trust an IRS auditor genie." "What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!" The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink." ***POOF*** The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. "OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish." "My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams." ***POOF*** The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. "OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!" After thinking for a few minutes, the man says.. "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me." ***POOF*** He is turned into a tampon. The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached. 

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times." Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?" Man: "What sins?" Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?" Man: "I'm Jewish." Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?" Man: "I'm telling everybody."

An boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. "Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?" She told him, "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm." Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?" She replied, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her." "And why is my other sister called Moonchild?" The mother said, "We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived." Mother paused and asked her son, "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY -  Day number 1 OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE! OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! OH BOY! THE GARDEN! MY FAVORITE! OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE! Day number 2 through 180 OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE! OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! OH BOY! THE GARDEN! MY FAVORITE! OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

 EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing! that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan. Finally aware of how sadistic they are. Today I was chosen for water torture...It included a foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds! My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth. There was some sort of gathering and I was placed in solitary  throughout the event. I ! could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of what they call "beer.." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must investigate to use it to my advantage. I am convinced the other captives are flunkies -- and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and happily returns. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand is an informant, and speaks with them regularly obviously reporting my every move. His current placement in the metal room assures his safety -- but it's only a matter of time...

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon." Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to..." "Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in. "Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies." "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing. "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out." "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me." "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." "I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith. "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure." "Don't I know!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London." "Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture. "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look." "Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement. "Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in." Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh ...... equipment?" "That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work." "Tripod?", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now. "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam? ..... Good Lord, she's fainted!"

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude". With that, she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!" Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers.She then picked up all the money and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know, I thought YOU were watching!"

One day the Lord came to Adam and said, "I've got some good news and some bad news." Adam said, "Well, give me the good news first." The Lord explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to create new things, solve problems, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will give you great physical pleasure and allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children." Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?" The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "You will never be able to use these two gifts at the same time."

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after two weeks, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

One day, Jimmy Joe was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin. "Bubba," said Jimmy Joe, "where'd you get that truck?" "Bobbi Sue gave it to me," Bubba replied. "She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?" said his skeptical friend. "Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened. We were driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere. Bobbi Sue pulled off the road, put the truck into 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, 'Bubba, take whatever you want.' So, I took the truck!" "Bubba, you are one smart man!" said Jimmy Joe. "Them clothes woulda never fit you."

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk answers, "Yes, I am." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother, have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus." The preacher shocked at the answer; dunks him into the water again for a little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?" The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus." By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again---but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?" The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

A man went to a strange town to be the guest speaker at a business meeting. When he arrived at his motel, he found he had a lot of time before the meeting so he got the directions for a nearby golf course from the clerk. While playing on the front nine, he thought over his impending speech and became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained the situation and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went into the clubhouse where he saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often. He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?" She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh." "No, I wouldn't." "Well, if you must know," she answered, "I sell Tampax." With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said, "See I knew you would laugh." "That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied, "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you!"

Four pilots were flying a long flight and the conversation led to, what is the fastest thing in the world? The first pilot said “It must be the Concorde Jet you can get from New York to London in 3 hours, what's faster than that.” The second pilot said “I know what's faster, light, there is nothing faster than the speed of light.” The third pilot said “I know what's even faster, the human thought process, nothing can possibly be faster that that.” The last pilot said “I know what's faster than all that stuff, the human sphincter muscle!” All the pilots looked at him and asked what the hell he was talking about, he said “One time when I was flying a Concorde jet, lightning struck, and before I could even think about it I shit my pants.”

This retired gentleman would walk through the woods every day to go fishing. He followed the same path every day. One day he happened across a frog sitting on a stump, he looked at the frog and the frog looked at him and said "If you kiss me I'll turn into a beautiful princess." The guy stood there for awhile then finally picked the frog up and put it into his shirt pocket. The frog looked up and said "Did you hear me, If you kiss me I'll turn into a beautiful princess." The guy looked at the frog and said " I know, but at my age, I think I'd rather just have a talking frog."

At the urinal, an accountant, a lawyer and a cowboy were standing side-by-side using the urinal. The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands clear up to his elbows. He used about 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan and they taught us to be clean." The lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from the University of California and they taught us to be environmentally conscious." The cowboy zipped up, and as he was walking out the door said, "I graduated from the University of Texas, and they taught us not to piss on our hands."

An old farmer was hauling a load of manure when he was stopped by a state trooper. "You were speeding," the cop said. "I'm going to have to give you a ticket." "Yep," the farmer said as he watched the trooper shoo away several flies. "These flies are terrible," the trooper complained. "Yep," the farmer said. "Those are circle flies." "What's a circle fly?" asked the trooper. "Them flies that circle a horse's ass," answered the farmer. "Them are circle flies." "You wouldn't be calling me a horse's ass, would you?" The trooper angrily asked. "Nope, I didn't," the farmer replied. "But you just can't fool them flies!"

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. Well, it was like this, said the man. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball........stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake. "What did you do?" asks the doctor. Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes. The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room." She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that. The cowboy said, "Tell him your working overtime and I'll pay you the difference." She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."

Q: What do you call a smart blonde? A: A golden retriever.

Q: Why were men given larger brains than dogs? A: So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

One morning at the law office, one lawyer looked at the other and said, "You really look terrible this morning." His companion replied, "I woke up with a headache this morning and no matter what I try, I can't get rid of it." The first lawyer told him, "When that happens to me, I take a few hours off during the day to go home and make love with my wife. It always works for me." Later that afternoon, the first lawyer commented on his partner's improved appearance. "I took your advice and it worked," the partner replied. "By the way, you've got a beautiful house."

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see  from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd  like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."  Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.  The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank  manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny  porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall - bright pink and perfectly  formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with  the bank manager and disappears into a back office.  She finds the  manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants  to use this as collateral."   She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean,  what in the world  is this?" The bank manager looks back at her and says...  "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman: I would like to buy a pink curtain in the size of my computer screen. The surprised salesman replies: But, madam, computers do not have curtains.... And the blonde said: Hello... I've got Windows!!!

The young bride's mother had some old-fashioned ideas of marriage, and passed them on to her daughter. "Never let your husband see you in the nude," she advised. "You should always wear something." "Yes, mother," replied the obedient girl. Two weeks after the wedding, the girl and her brand-new husband were preparing to retire when the guy asked, "Dear, has there ever been any insanity in your family?" "Not that I know of," she answered. "Why?" "Well, we've been married for two weeks now and every night you've worn that silly hat to bed."

A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets horrible sunburn. He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns. He was already starting to blister and in agony. The doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline and electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours. The nurse, rather astounded, said, "What good will Viagra do him?"
The doctor replied, "It'll keep the sheets off his legs."

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are sitting down for lunch one afternoon. The redhead says to the others, "I found cigarettes in my daughters room! I can't believe she's a smoker!. The brunette says "That's nothing. The other day I found beer in my daughters room. I can't believe she's a drinker!. The blonde looks at the other two and says, "Well you two are lucky. Just yesterday I found condoms in my daughters room. I never even knew she had a penis!"

Three blondes were all vying for the last available position on the local police force. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So you all want to be a cop, eh?"  The blondes all nodded. The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a file folder. Sitting back down, he opened it up and withdrew a photograph, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to DETECT. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars, etc." So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about 2 seconds. "Now, he said, "Did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?" The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He only has one eye!" The detective shook his head and said, "Of COURSE he only has one eye in this picture! It's a PROFILE of his face! You're dismissed!" The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office. The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?" The blonde immediately shot back, "Yep! He only has one ear!" 
The detective put his head in his hand and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just said to the other lady? This is a PROFILE of the man's face! Of COURSE you can only see one ear!! You're excused, too! You'd never make a good detective!" The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office. The detective turn his attention to the last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but....". He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "Alright. Did YOU notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?" The blonde said, "Yes, I did. This man wears contact lenses." The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could tell that by looking at this picture?" The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "DUH! He has only one eye and one ear, he certainly CAN'T WEAR GLASSES! 

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?" "That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered, "Think about this...when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?"

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun in the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling. "WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HORSE?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness no one answered "All right, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHER DRINK, AND IF MY HORSE AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINNISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS! AND MAKE NO MISTAKE, I DON'T LIKE DOING WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS! Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another drink, walked  outside, and sure enough his horse was back. He saddled up and started to ride out. The bartender came out and said "Say partner, before you go.... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said "I had to walk home." 

Every Saturday morning he's going fishing. He gets up early and eager, makes his lunch, hooks up his boat and off he goes...all day long. Well, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs the dog and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to the truck and down the driveway he goes. Coming out of his garage rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph. Minutes later, he returns to the garage. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his boat back in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed. There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible." To which she sleepily replies................. "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit?" 

One day, this guy spotted a friend he hadn’t seen and years. He calls out to him, “hey Pete how ya doing?” Well Pete looks at the guy and says, “don’t call me Pete, call me lucky.” His friend asked him why the name change, and Lucky asked him if he remember that terrible plane crash a couple of years earlier? His friend said that he did. “Well”, Lucky says, “I was the only survivor.” His friend says, “I guess you have the right to call yourself Lucky after that.” So off they go on their separate ways. A year later the same two men run into each other again. The friend calls out, “hey Lucky how ya doing?” To which Lucky replies “don’t call me Lucky, call me Lucky Lucky.” His friend again asks about the name. Well Lucky Lucky goes on to ask if he remember the train crash that had taken place just a few months earlier, and the friend said the he indeed did remember that accident, Well says Lucky Lucky, “ I was able to walk away without even a scratch.” Again the friend made comment about his luck and the parted company again. About three weeks later, the friend spots Lucky Lucky again. This time Lucky Lucky is limping. The friend greets him. “Hey Lucky Lucky, what has happen to you? Has you luck run out?” “First off, don’t call me Lucky Lucky, call me Lucky Lucky Lucky.” His friend wants to know how that can be since he’s walking with a limp. Oh Lucky Lucky Lucky, kind of smiles to himself and tells his friend that the other night he was up in his girlfriend’s apartment having a wild time, doing the wild thing. When the neighbor downstairs, who was cleaning his gun accidentally, fired the rifle. The bullet came through the floor, up through the mattress, and shot his left testicle off. His friend was amazed has to how he could call himself Lucky Lucky Lucky. “I’ll tell you why I call myself that. Had it been five minutes earlier, it would have hit me right between the eyes.” 

Little Johnny and Sherri Loney are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married. So Johnny goes to Sherri's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Loney, me and Sherri are in love, and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage." Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Loney replies, "Well, Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" So without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies, "In Sherri's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely." Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Loney says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Sherri." So again Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance. Sherri makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month. That should do us just fine." By this time Mr. Loney is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Loney says, "Well, Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?" Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."

There were two blonde guys working for the city. One would dig a hole, the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again. An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I appreciate the effort you are putting into your work, but what's the story? You dig a hole and your partner follows behind and fills it up again." The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, normally we are a three-man team, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge. "I should be in charge, "said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen". "I should be in charge" said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over, so without me you'd all waste away." "I should be in charge, " said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy." "I should be in charge" said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go." "I should be in charge" said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes." "I should be in charge, "said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal." All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery and the blood was toxic. They all decided! That the rectum should be the boss. The Moral of the story? The ass hole is usually in charge 

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
GEORGE W. BUSH - " I don't think I should have to answer that question." AL GORE - "I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road  represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people." RALPH NADER - "The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV." PAT BUCHANAN - "To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American." RUSH LIMBAUGH - "I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of  this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross." MARTHA STEWART - "No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information. JERRY FALWELL -  "Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the other side." That's what they call it - the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too.  I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like â*oethe other side." DR. SEUSS - " Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road. But why it crossed, I've not been told!" ERNEST HEMINGWAY - "To die. In the rain. Alone." MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR. -"I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question." GRANDPA - "In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us." BARBARA WALTERS - "Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road." JOHN LENNON - "Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace." ARISTOTLE - "It is the nature of chickens to cross the road." KARL MARX - "It was a historical inevitability." SADDAM HUSSEIN - " This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it." VOLTAIRE - " I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it." RONALD REAGAN - " What chicken?" CAPTAIN KIRK - "To boldly go where no chicken has gone before." FOX MULDER - "You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?" SIGMUND FREUD - "The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity." BILL GATES - " I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken." ALBERT EINSTEIN - "Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?" BILL CLINTON - "I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken?  Could you define chicken please?" THE BIBLE - "And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing." COLONEL SANDERS - "I missed one?"
  You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing....... Thanks Vern

And God created woman and she had three breasts. He then asked her, "Is there anything you'd like to have changed?" She replied, "Yes, could we get rid of this middle breast?" And so it was done and it was good. Then the woman exclaimed as she was holding the that third breast in her hand, "What can be done with this useless boob?" And God created man.

After attending the funeral of a Texas mouse killed by an eighty year old lady with a broom, three mice, one from Minnesota, one from Iowa and one from Wisconsin, are sitting at a bar trying to impress each other with how tough they are. The Minnesota mouse throws down a shot of bourbon, slams the empty glass onto the bar, turns to the Iowa mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese." The Iowa mouse orders up two shots of tequila, drinks them down one after the other, slams both glasses onto the bar, turns to the Minnesota mouse and replies, "Oh yeah? When I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day." The Minnesota mouse and the Iowa mouse then turn to the Wisconsin mouse. The Wisconsin mouse finishes the beer he has in front of him, lets out a long sigh and says to the two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and have sex with the cat."

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place: First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."
Second guy: "That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool." Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her." They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?" Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut it off, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or sex?" She said, "Wear a sweater."

A man was walking through the park one day, and happened upon an elderly gentleman sitting on a park bench sobbing endlessly. The man approached the elderly man, and gently asked what was troubling him. The elderly man replied, "I recently married a 24 year old woman, beautiful in all aspects, unbelievably rich, who wants to have frequent sex everyday!" The inquiring man exclaims, "My God! What in the world could be wrong with that?!" Still crying the elderly man responded, "I can't remember where I live!"

A study in Wisconsin showed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. And if she is menstruating, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire. Further studies are expected.

A man came home from work one day to find his wife standing nude in front of a full length mirror. He said "What the hell are you doing?" The wife said  "I saw my doctor today and he told me I had the breasts of a twenty year old." "Oh yeah," snarled her husband. "What'd he say about your forty year old ass?" The wife replied "Actually, your name never came up."

A 70 year old guy goes to sign up for Social Security. There was a long line that day but finally he gets his turn. The lady behind the counter says "I'll need to see your driver's license for proof of age." The old guy disgustedly says "Oh no, it's in my other pants. I guess I'll have to go home and get it." The lady saw his disgust and said "There may be another way. Why don't you unbutton your shirt." The old guy does. She sees all the gray hairs and says "That's good enough for me" and completes his application. Happily the old guy returns home. His wife asks him "How'd it go at the Social Security office. He tells her the whole story. His wife thinks for a couple of seconds and says "You should have dropped your pants too, we could have got disability!"

Q: Why do mice have such tiny balls?
A: Because so few of them know how to dance.

What are the three most popular lies a cowboy tells?
3. I won this belt buckle in a rodeo.
2. This truck is bought and paid for.
1. I was just trying to help the sheep over the fence.

One Saturday afternoon, a man was sitting in his lawn chair drinking beer and watching his wife mow the lawn. A neighbor lady was so outraged at this, she came over and shouted at the man, "You should be hung!" To which he calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass!" 

The steps at the White House need some repairs so bids are taken from carpenters from across the country.  First a carpenter from California looks it over. After a session of measuring and figuring he presents his bid.  “I can do it for $9,000,” he says. “I’d need $4,000 for materials, $4,000 for my crew, and $1,000 profit for me.” Next a carpenter from Missouri does his measuring and calculating then says, “I’ll do it for $7,000.  $3,000 for materials, $3,000 for my crew, and $1,000 profit for me.” Last a carpenter from Brooklyn steps up. Without even looking at the job site he says, “I’ll do it for $27,000.” Surprised at how high it is, the man taking the bids asks him to explain it. “It’s simple,” he says. “$10,000 for me, $10,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Missouri.” 

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until direct you to do so". Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You can speak two words." Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed." "I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed." After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest. "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine. "Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future. On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today." "I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine. "It's probably best", said the Priest, "You've done nothing but bitch since you got here."

This fellow's wife was very flat chested. He came home from work one day and to his utter amazement, there was his wife with a pair of 44 DD breasts. He said, "My gosh, Martha, what happened?" She said "Honey, I was making myself look all pretty for you and I was looking in the mirror on the door, and I said to it, 'Mirror, mirror on the door, make my boobs size 44', and BOOM, look at the size of these suckers!" Her husband was so overwhelmed with excitement that he immediately ran upstairs. He ran in the bathroom, stripped down naked and with a big smile on his face he said "Mirror, mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor," and BOOM! His legs fell off.

A woman goes into a adult toy store and tells the man working there that the batteries in her vibrator have run out. He motions with his finger and says, “Come this way.” Staring at his finger, she says, “If I could come that way I wouldn’t need a vibrator!”

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down. Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?" Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye." Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: Number 1: You have a dirty mind; Number 2: You didn't read your homework; and Number 3: One day you are going to be very, very disappointed.

A women and her husband were sleeping one night when the woman suddenly awoke. She quickly woke her husband up and told him she had the best dream ever. "What was it about?" asked her husband. "Well," she said, "I was decorating our christmas tree with hundreds of the nicest male privates I could find and the very nicest of all was on top!" "Was that mine?" asked her husband. "No," she said, "It was Brad Pitts." A couple days later the man suddenly awoke and told his wife about the best dream he'd ever had. "What was it about?" asked his wife. "I was decorating our christmas tree with hundreds of female privates and the very nicest of all was on top," said the man. "Was it mine?" asked his wife. "No," he said, "yours was at the bottom holding the tree up."

A young girl and her boyfriend are driving down the road one day. Her boyfriend suggests that they play road games and that whoever loses has to strip. They play every game known to man and the girl loses every time. Soon she is bare naked. The boy takes a long look and runs off the road. They slide into a tree and the boy is trapped in the car. He yells to his girlfriend, ''Quick, go get help!'' She says, ''I can't, I'm naked.'' He hands her a shoe to cover with. Desperately she covers her ''lower parts'' and runs to the road. She flags down a truck driver and yells, ''Help me, my boyfriend is stuck.'' The truck driver looks down at the shoe and replies,''Honey, if he's that far in, I think he may be gone for good''

A little boy wanted $ 100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $ 100.00.   When the postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the President. The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $ 5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to the little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $ 5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:
Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. however, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, D.C., and those assholes deducted $95.00 in taxes.

God and Adam are talking in the Garden of Eden one day and God asks "How are you doing?" Adam replies "Everything is just perfect here. The only thing I have to complain about is that I am lonely most of the time." God thinks for a minute and says " Well Adam, I can give you a mate that will cook for you, clean up after you, and love you forever and ever" "That would be great" Adam says "But it sure sounds expensive, what would that cost me?" " An arm and a leg" God says. Adam thinks for a minute and asks God " What can I get for a rib?"

Q - What is the difference between the G-spot and a golfball?
A - A man will spend 10 minutes looking for a golfball.

Do you know what Blonde Paint is? It's a type of paint that's not very bright, cheap and spreads easy.

Q: Do you know the difference between a strip tease artist and an acrobatical dancer? A: An acrobatical dancer is a cunning stunt....

 On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play  together.  One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the  farm.  Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken  arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of  rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!  Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer  was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best  pals.  A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he  too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.  Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he would  then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life. The moral of the story? (Yes, there's a moral)... "When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Harley to pick up a chick" 

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names ...and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex." "Good morning," replied the young man -- still focused on the plaque. "What is this?" Alex asked. "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service. "Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex's voice was trembling .. and barely audible ... when he asked, "Which service? ... the 8:30 .... or the 11:00?" 

Natalie, a pretty but distraught model, took her troubles to a psychiatrist. 
"Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time a man takes me out, I wind up in bed with him. And then afterward I feel guilty and de-pressed all day long." 
"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you want me to strengthen your will power." 
"Heavens, NO!" exclaimed the model. "I want you to fix it so I don't feel guilty and depressed afterward." 

In a trial, in a small SC town, a prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand. She was sworn in, asked if she would tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, on the Bible, so help her God. She says "I do." She was a proper well-dressed elderly lady, the grandmother type, well-spoken and poised. The prosecuting attorney approached the woman and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk badly about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the sense to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper-pushing shyster. Yes, I know you quite well." The lawyer was stunned. He couldn't even think for a few moments. Then, he slowly backed away, fearing the looks on the judge and jurors' faces, not to mention the court reporter who documented every word. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney? "She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, big-mouthed and has a bad drinking problem. The man can't build or keep a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney almost fainted and was seen slipping downward in his chair, looking at the floor. Laughter mixed with gasps thundered throughout the court room and the audience was on the verge of chaos. At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both counselors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you crooked bastards asks her if she knows me, you'll be thrown in jail for contempt. Is that clear?" 

A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry. During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet, one of the boys came out and told her he couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed for an elementary school child. "I guess you must be in the fifth," she said. "No ma'am" he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for the lift anyhow."

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist. "Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me." "This one's kind of strange..." "Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied. "Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and I heard a plink-plink in the toilet; when I looked down, the water was full of pennies." "I see." "That afternoon I went again and there were nickels in the bowl." "Uh-huh." "That night," she went on, "there were dimes and this morning there were quarters! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!" she implored, "I'm scared out of my wits!" The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there, it's nothing to be scared about. . .You're simply going through the change."

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and, on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might just as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS. The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the next day's race, and this time it won. The paper then read: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper's headline the next day read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give the donkey to a nun in a nearby convent. The headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun she couldn't keep the donkey. She sold the donkey to a farmer for $10. Next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey & lead it to the plains where it could run wild and free. Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The Bishop was buried the next day.

A old man who's been in a nursing home for many years starts bugging the administrator to let him have a weekend pass, to 'sow his last wild oats', he says, before he finally passes on. Every week he asks the same question and every week he's turned down. Months later there's a change of staff, with a much younger administrator assigned to the home. Our man starts right away with his weekend request. The new administrator has a little more compassion than the last one and says to the old man, "If I let you go for a weekend, will you promise me you'll return on Monday morning?" Ecstatic, the old man swears on his grandmother's grave and he's awarded his wish. Friday evening comes and the old man calls a cab. He heads straight to the nearest bar. He nurses a few beers for a while when in walks an old woman and sits at the end of the bar. Our man starts giving her the 'high sign', sends down several drinks, and is finally welcomed to sit by her. They chat for a while and he eventually talks her into going to a motel close by. All Friday night they go at it,,,,,,,,,,all day Saturday,,,,,Saturday afternoon,,,,,,,,Saturday evening,,,,,,,,,(they did go to church on Sunday morning),,,,,,,,,then back at it all day Sunday,,,,, and into Sunday night. An entire weekend of unprotected sex. True to his word, our man returns to the nursing home on Monday morning, smiling a very satisfied smile. The administrator welcomes him back and the old man thanks him again and again. Several days later the old man wakes up, only to find a yellowish discharge coming from his penis. "Oh, my God!!", he thinks to himself,,,,,,,"94 years old and I'm going to die with a disease". He sees the staff doctor that afternoon. The doc checks him over, running numerous tests and then, with a grim, studied look at the chart, says to the old man, "Have you had sexual intercourse within the last week or so?" The old man hangs his head in disappointment and shame, knowing he's contracted an STD, then says with a sorrowful sigh,,,,,,"Well, yes I have". The doc looks him straight in the eye and says, "Well you better get back there. You're just about ready to come".

A golf club walks into a local bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer. The barman refuses to serve him. "Why not," asks the golf club. "You'll be driving later," replies the bartender

A man went into a bar in a high rise. He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out. He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar. As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the man asked if he could have a pill. The flier said it was his last one. The man offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand dollars. The man said that it was all he had on him. The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned back to the bar. The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death. The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, "You sure are mean when you're drunk, Superman."

It seems a gentleman had too much alcohol at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a state trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldn't walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to more important matters. The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasn't coming back to him, drove home and went to bed. he was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door, created by two more state troopers. "Are you Mr. Johnson?" the asked? He admitted that he was. "Were you pulled over at Main Street last night for driving under the influence?" Again, the man admitted that was he. "And what did you do then," the troopers asked." The man replied that he drove his car home and went to bed. "Where is your car now?" the troopers enquired. The man answered that it was in the garage. "May we see the car?" asked the troopers. The man answered, "Sure," and opened the garage. Inside the garage was the state troopers car.

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"

A man sat at a local bar and said, "This is a special day, I'm celebrating." "What a coincidence," said the woman next to him. I'm celebrating, too" she replied, clinking glasses with him. "What are your celebrating?" "I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile." "What a coincidence, the woman said. For my husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant! How did your chickens become fertile?" she asked. "I switched cocks," he replied. "What a coincidence," she said.