A golfer stood over his tee shot for the longest time, looking up, looking down, figuring the wind direction and speed. This of course was driving his golfing friends crazy. "Hurry up," they shouted, "Hit the darn ball already!" The meticulous golfer says, "My wife is watching me from the clubhouse, so I want this to be a perfect shot." "Impossible!" one of the other guys replied. "There's no way you could hit her from here!"

A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.  One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof ) and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says politely. The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf.  The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would. Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves,  as he is having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what was going on.  Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer.  Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.  After many trips she is tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try the bread herself.  Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men  standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd, staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin, too?"  "No," stammers the old man, "but it's a quiverin'." 

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye.  He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?"  The hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job." The guy says, "$500 dollars!  For a hand-job!  Jesus Christ!  No hand-job is worth that kind of money!" The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?" "Yes." "Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?" "Yes." "And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?" "Yes." "Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500." The guy says, "What the hell?  You only live once.  I'll give it a try." They retire to a nearby motel.  A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500.  He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?" The hooker replies, "$1,500." "I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"  The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy.  Do you see that casino just across the street?  I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500." The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up." Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before.  He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth.  He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience.  He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?" The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something.  Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?" "Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?" "No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a pussy."

In a small town in Tennessee, Big Bubba decides it's time for his son, 18 year old Billy Bob, to learn the facts of life. He takes him to the local house of ill repute, which is fronted by a beauty parlor. Bubba introduces Billy Bob to the madam, and explains that it's time for his indoctrination to sex." The madam says, "Bubba you've been such a good customer over the years, I'm going to see to your son personally." So the madam takes Billy Bob by the hand and leads him upstairs, where she completes his deflowering. Later, as they are walking downstairs the madam says, "Since this is your first time, I'm going to see that you get the full treatment before you leave, I'm going to give you a manicure too." Two weeks later Bubba and Billy Bob run into the madam on the town's main street. Billy Bob is acting a little shy, so the madam smiles and says, "Well, Billy Bob, don't you remember me?" "Yes ma'am the boy stammers, "You're the lady that gave me the crabs and then cut off my fingernails so I couldn't scratch 'em."

A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of  her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what is your  problem?"   Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is I think I should be in the third-grade too!" The teacher had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9" Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36" And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grader should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade." The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Harry both agree. Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of? Harry: "Legs" Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" (The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!) Harry: "Pockets" Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants" Teacher: "What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?" (The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...) Harry: "Coconut" Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" Harry: "Bubblegum" Teacher: "What do men do standing up, woman do sitting down and dogs do on  three legs?" (The principal's eyes open really wide and ! before he could stop the answer..) Harry: "Shake hands" Teacher: "Now I will ask some 'Who am I' sort of questions, okay?" Harry: "Yup" Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do." Harry: "Tent" Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first." (Principal was looking restless and bit tense) Harry: "Wedding Ring" Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good." Harry: "Nose"  Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver." Harry: "Arrow" Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K'  that means a lot of excitement?" Harry: "Firetruck" The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put his ass in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong.

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped in his New York neighborhood barbershop to say hello to his friends. Giovanni said, "Hey, Luigi, How was a da treep?" Luigi said, "Everything was a perfect except for da train a ride down." What'a you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni. "Well, we boarda da train at Grand Centrala  Station. My beautiful Virginia had packed a biga basket a food with vino and cigars for a me, and a we were looking a "forward to da trip. All was OK until we gotta hungry and opened up a da luncha basket. The conductor came by, wagged his a finger at us and a say, "no eat in dese'a car. Musta use a dining car."  So, me and my beautiful'a Virginia, we go to dining car, eat a biga lunch and begin to open a bottle of vino! Conductor walk by me again, wag his a finger and say, "No drink'a  in dese'a car. Must'a use'a club'a car, so we go to club'a car.  While'a drinking vino, I start to light'a my big'a cigar. The conductor, he wag'a his finger again and say, "No smoke'a in dese'a car. Must'a  go to smoker car." We go to smoker car and I smoke'a my cigar. Later, my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to sleeper car and'a go to bed. We just about to > have'a sex and the conductor, he walk'a through car corridor shouting at top of his voice, "NO'FOLK'A, VIRGINIA! NO'FOLK'A VIRGINIA!"  Next'a time, Imadriva down.

A three year old boy in his bath examined his testicles and asked, "Mommy, are these my brains?" Mom said, "Not yet, honey."

Little Johnnie had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it.He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink said, "Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnnie what he wants Santa to bring him. If he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gift or gifts he requests." Two days before Christmas, Johnnie's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas. "I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage." Christmas morning, Little Johnnie woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walked down stairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage. When Johnnie walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "What did Santa bring you this year?" Johnny replied, "I think I got a dog but I can't find the son-of-a-bitch!"

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "how long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "how long before I can get a haircut? The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "about an hour and a half." The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes". In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looked up and said, "to your house."

A little boy went to his teacher and told her he found a dead cat on the playground. The teacher asked, "How do you know it's dead?" The boy replied innocently, "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move" The teacher, astonished, replied "You did what?" The boy then stated, "You know, I bent down and went "psssst" in his ear and he didn't wake up!"

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something which she could help the gentleman with. The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism. The man agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it?" The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister." When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3000 a month living expenses."

A blind man enters an all-girls bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender in a loud voice, "Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls deathly quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things... 1 - The bartender is a blonde woman. 2 - The bouncer is a blonde woman. 3 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter. 4 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler, and 5 - I'm a 6 foot, 200 lb. blonde woman with a PhD., a black belt in karate and a very bad attitude! Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?" The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and says, "Nah...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Two old ladies were outside having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. Miriam: "What's that?" Agnes: "A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet." Miriam: "Where did you get it?" Agnes: "You can get them at any drugstore." The next day, Miriam hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely. She is, after all, over 80 years of age! He very delicately asks, "What brand do you prefer?" Miriam: "Doesn't matter, Sonny, as long as it fits a Camel." The pharmacist fainted.

Mrs. Jones, who was a little on the chubby side, was at her weight-watchers meeting. "My husband insists I come to these meetings because he would rather screw a woman with a trim figure" she lamented to the woman next to her. "Well," the lady replied, "What's wrong with that?" "He likes to do it while I'm stuck at these damn meetings."

Bob takes a vacation every summer. He is a golf nut and spends 2 weeks up at Hecia Island. This year he met a woman out there and fell head over heels in love with her. On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue the relationship. "It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut," Bob said to his lady friend. "I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's a problem, you'd better say so now." "Well, if we're being honest with each other, here goes," she replied. "I'm a hooker." "I see, Bob replied, and was quiet for a moment. Then he added, "You know, it s probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off."

A wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed in the back yard and put his penis in a vise. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw. The husband was terrified, and screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off, are you?" The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the shed on fire.

One day, farmer Jones was in town picking up supplies for his farm. He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil, then stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose. Now he had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home. The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went. While walking he met a fair young lady with rather large beautiful breasts. She told him she was lost, and asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I'm going to visit my brother at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take a short cut and go down this alley. We'll save half the time to get there". The fair young lady said, "How do I know that when we get in to the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull down my skirt and ravish me?" The farmer said, "I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, 2 chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The young lady said, "Set the goose down, put the bucket over the goose, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens. 

A woman walks into a bar and orders a whisky on the rocks. The bartender takes the glass and grabs a handful of ice. "Wait a minute," says the woman. "I don't know where those hands have been. Please use the tongs." The bartender gives her a funny look, but shrugs and obliges. A couple minutes later the woman notices that the bartender has a string hanging from the zipper of his pants. "Excuse me, I don't want you to get the wrong idea, but you have a string hanging from you zipper." "Yeah, that's so when I go to the bathroom, I can just pull it out without having to touch anything," says the bartender. "That way I don't need to wash my hands." "That makes sense," says the woman, and she continues to enjoy her drink. A few moments later, after having time to think, she adds, "I don't mean to pry, but how do you get it back in?" The bartender smiles and replies, "That's what the tongs are for." 

A Police Officer  is cruising around in his patrol car one night. He is on the lookout for trouble. He sees two little old ladies in the front seat of a Chevrolet convertible, parked in "Honest John's" used car lot. The car lot is closed, so the Officer drives up alongside the Chevy and asks, "Are you two ladies trying to steal this car?" "Certainly not," says one of the ladies, "we purchased the car this afternoon." "Well," says the cop, "why don't you start it up and drive it out of here?" "We don't drive at all," replies the other little old lady. "And besides we didn't buy it to drive, we are waiting. "Waiting for what?" asked the cop. "We were told by a friend that if we bought a car here we would get screwed."

A  man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket, and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.  The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." the manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier.  We like people who think on their feet here. "Where are you from, son?" "Texas, sir," the boy replied. "Well, why did you leave Texas?" the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and football players down there." "Really?" said the manager.  "My wife is from Texas." "No shit??" replied the boy.  "Who'd she play for?"

Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol. The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a jar of sperm. The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil. After one day, these were the results: The first worm in alcohol - DEAD. Second worm in cigarette smoke - DEAD. The third worm in sperm - DEAD. The fourth worm in soil - ALIVE. The lesson: As long you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't get worms. 

I had a blind date last night. Her name was :. .:: :.: .:. .::.

A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells nice. The woman immediately goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains why. The supervisor is puzzled by this time and says, "What's wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?" The woman replies, "He's a midget."

Two old ladies are walking through a museum and got separated. When they ran into each other later the first old lady said to the second, "Oh My! Did you see that statue of the naked man back there?" The second old lady replied, "Yes! I was absolutely shocked! How can they display such a thing! My gosh the penis on it was so large!" Where upon the first old lady accidentally blurted out, "Yeah, and cold, too!"

Question: Moms have Mother's Day, Dads have Father's Day. What do single guys have? Answer: Palm Sunday!!!

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the cashregister, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

 The Pope... After getting all his luggage loaded in the limo, and His Holiness doesn't travel light, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. "Hey, Mr. Pope," says the driver in accented English. "Why have you not seated yourself in this excellent limo?" "Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican and I'd really like to drive." "That is very much against the rules!" protests the driver, wishing he'd never left Calcutta. "There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope gets in behind the wheel. He quickly regrets his decision when, after clearing the airport, the Pope accelerates the limo to 105 mph. "Please be driving not so rapidly, Mr. Pope," pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal.  Then they hear the siren.  "Oh, my God, now I am surely losing my license," moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the patrolman approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatch. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five. "So bust him," said the Chief. "I think the guy's a big shot," said the cop. "All the more reason." "No, I mean really a big shot," said the cop. "Who you got there, the Mayor?" "Bigger." "Governor?" "Bigger." "Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?" "I don't know," said the cop, "but he's got the Pope driving for him! 

Clifford and Bubba, are out in the woods when suddenly Clifford falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. Bubba whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard..... Bubba says, "OK, now what?"

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall. The woman is surprised this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she is so impressed by his sensitive side that she decides not to mention this to him. She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love. After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?" The guy says "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

A young girl sees her father in the shower and asks him what him, "What are those between your legs?" "Those are the Apples of the Tree of Life," he tells her, by way of poetic concealment. Impressed, the girl then tells this to her mother, who replies, "Did he say anything about that dead branch they're hanging on?"

A small, white duck goes into a bar, jumps on the barstool, orders a shot of booze and says to the bartender 'listen, I'm a bricklayer on the construction site nearby. The works will last for some time and I'll be coming here every day around lunchtime for a shot of booze, so think about some discount or something'. The duck drinks the shot, jumps off the stool and goes out. The bartender is shocked, he's never seen a talking duck before, so he calls his friend who owns a circus: 'listen, there's a talking duck coming to my bar, come tomorrow around lunchtime and see for yourself'. So the next day the circus owner waits in the bar and the duck goes in, jumps on the barstool and orders a shot of booze. The circus manager overcomes his awe and says: 'Hello sir, I'm a circus owner and I want to offer you a job. I can give you whatever money you want, plus a company car, a cell phone, best hotels, best women, whatever you want'. The duck considers his offer for a moment and says 'so you're a circus owner, right?' 'Right' 'And your circus is one of those big tents, right?' 'Right.' 'With a sandy arena in the middle?' 'Yes' 'And with rows of seats around?' 'Correct' 'So what the fuck you need a bricklayer for?

Michael Jackson Jokes Here

Here is one that you might enjoy! (Flash required)

What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing and gargling.

After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform. He goes to his doctor and his doctor tries a few things but nothing seems to work. Finally the doctor says to him, "The reason that you can not perform is all in your mind!!!" So the Doctor refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the shrink, the psychiatrist confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." so he refers him to a witch doctor. The witch doctor says, "I can cure this." He throws a white powder in a flame and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says, "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The guy then asks the witch doctor, "What happens when it's over and I do not want an erection any longer?" The witch doctor says, "All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for another year!" The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion. After he gets into bed and he is lying next to her he says, "123" and suddenly he gets an erection just as the witch doctor said. His wife was facing the other way and turns over and says, "What did you say "123" for?"

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary clinic. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Cuddles has passed away." The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied. "How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!", she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!" The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan ...."

A woman is in the hospital in a coma. Nurses come in one day to give her a sponge bath when they notice that when they start to wash around her private area, her monitor starts blipping. Thinking that the woman can relate to human touch, the nurses call the woman's husband in and suggests that he tries to have oral sex with her to try to arouse her out of her coma. After some time trying to convince him, the husband agrees and the nurses leave the room so the husband and wife can be in private. About 5 minutes later, red lights start flashing, the heart monitor flat lines and all the alarms in the room start going off. The nurses burst into the room and ask the husband what happened. The husband answers, "I think I choked her!"

A young boy walks up to his father and asks if it is okay for a guy to notice all the different types of boobs. The father answers 'Sure, in fact it would be unnatural if you didn't. There are all kinds of breasts... it all depends on a woman's age. In a woman's twenties her boobs are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties and forties they're like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. And in their fifties, they are like onions." "Like onions?" the boy asks. "Yes," says the father. "You see them and they make you want to cry." Not to be out done, the young daughter goes up to the mother and asks how many types of penises there are. Excited to have equal time, the mother says "a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, his penis is like an oak,,, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties it's like birch, flexible but reliable. And in his fifties its like a christmas tree." "A christmas tree?" asks the daughter. "Yeah," says the mother. "It's all dried up and the balls are just there for decoration."

A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds. His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog is thrilled, "This is great! "Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks. "No," says the psychic, "in biology class." 

Two ladies were working in a women's lingerie store a few days before Christmas when they saw a man nervously wandering up and down the aisles. One of the clerks walked over.
"Is there something I can help you find?" she said. "No, really, I think I can find it myself"
"Really sir, don't be shy. This is a lingerie store and it's our job to help people find the things they need. You shouldn't be embarrassed." "Well, okay. I'm looking for a bra for my wife."
"Well that's no problem, we sell those everyday. What size does she need?" "7 3/4"
"Are you sure? That's a rather odd size. How did you measure her?" "With my hat"

A lady goes to the doctor and says "Doc, it's my husband. He just doesn't get too excited any more. We've been married about 20 years and he doesn't think he has a problem, but Doc, I'm telling you He has a problem." The doctor says, "well, there's an experimental drug that's in the testing stage right now, I could furnish a single dose to see if he would be a candidate for the product. It's a white powder and so far it works best in mashed potatoes. Just slip it in just prior to wanting sex." A few days later the doctor sees the lady again and asked how the powder worked. "Marvelous! She said, "I did just like you said, when he wasn't looking, I slipped the powder into his mashed potatoes and a minute or two later, he stood up, swiped all the dishes off the table in one swipe, grabbed me and took me right there on the table. Best sex I'd had in years!" "well, that's great " says the doctor, Now I have to ask you some questions pertaining to this drug. Did he have any after affects, like headaches, nausea, stiffness of neck or leg muscles, cramping etc.? The lady says, "No he hasn't complained of any although I don't think we'll be welcome in Denny's any more.

So, there are three golfers, (Bob, Max and Ted) who are looking for a fourth.
Bob mentions that his friend George is a pretty good golfer, so they decide to invite him for the following Saturday. "Sure, I'd love to play," says George, "but I may be about ten minutes late, so wait for me." So Saturday rolls around. Bob, Max, and Ted arrive promptly at 9:00 and find George already waiting for them. He plays right-handed and beats them all. Quite pleased with their new fourth, they ask him if he'd like to play again the following Saturday.
"Yeah, sounds great," says George. "But I maybe about ten minutes late, so wait for me."
The following Saturday, again, all four golfers show up on time, but this time George plays left-handed and beats them all. As they're getting ready to leave, George says, "See you next Saturday, but I may be about ten minutes late, so wait for me." Every week, George is right on time and plays great with whichever hand he decides to use. And every week, he departs with the same message. After a couple months, Ted is pretty tired of this routine, so he says, "Wait a minute, George. Every week you say you may be about ten minutes late, but you're right on time. You beat us either left-handed or right-handed. What's the story?" "Well," George says, "I'm kind of superstitious. When I get up in the morning, I look at my wife. If she's sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed, and if she's sleeping on her right side, I play right-handed." "So what do you do if she's sleeping on her back?" Bob asks. "Well... That's when I'm about ten minutes late."

What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry... 

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb.  

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Frank and Jacob. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time." "Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!" 

Norman and his blonde wife life in Fargo. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 3 to 4 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through". Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.  A week later, while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow today, you must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snow- plow can get through.". So, Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.  The next week they are having breakfast again and the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 -12 inches of snow today, you must park..." then the electricity goes out. Norman's wife says, "Honey, I don't know what to do..." Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time."  

A piece of string walks into a bar. The bartender says they don't serve pieces of string in his bar. The piece of string leaves, goes into the alley and begins to unwind and twist himself all over. He then goes back to the bartender who says "Hey, aren't you the same piece of string that was in here a minute ago?" The piece of string says, "No, I'm a freyed not." 

A woman is approaching a small Pub. She calls the Mark barkeeper and when he is standing in front of her she asks him in a very seductive way to come nearer. Then she bends over the desk and starts to carress his face. "Are you the boss of this Bistro?" she asks and touches tenderly his cheek. "Ehhh. No. Not at all!" the Mark replies. "Would you please call him here?" the lady asks and gently touches his hair. "Oh, I'm very sorry. But no. Impossible!" Mark the barkeeper sighs who has - no doubt - fun with this situation. "Would you then please do me a great favour?" the lady asks and follows gently the line of his lips. "Of course. What ever you wish!" Mark moans. "I want to leave a message for the boss!" she says and let first one - then two - fingers slip into his mouth which he gently sucks on. "What message?" Mark asks with the two fingers in his mouth. "Please tell him that there is no paper, nor soap, nor towel on the lady's toilet!" 

A cowboy and his bride ask the hotel desk clerk for a room, telling him they just got married that morning. "Congratulations!" says the clerk. Looking at the cowboy, he asks, "Would you like the bridal then?"... ... "Naw, thanks." says the cowboy. "I'll just hold her by the ears till she gets the hang of it." 

Two old ladies were walking through a museum and got separated. When they ran into each other later. the first old lady said to the second, "Oh My! Did you see that statue of the naked man back there?" The second old lady replied, "Yes! I was absolutely shocked! How can they display such a thing! My gosh the penis on it was so large!" Where upon the first old lady accidentally blurted out, "Yeah, and cold, too!"

Three married couples go to a psychologist with marriage troubles. One, married 2 years, one married 10 years, and one married 40 years. As the guy married 2 years goes in, he tells the doctor how much he hates his wife and can’t stand her. The doctor gives him a gun and tells him to shoot his wife and just get it over. The guy leaves and heads to the room, only to return quickly. Crying he tells the doctor he loves his wife and can’t shoot her, because he loves her too much. The doctor tells him that it will work out, and to go home, and love his wife. The guy married 10 years comes in and tells the doctor the same thing. How he hates his wife and can’t live with her anymore. Again, the doctor hands him the gun and tells him to go and shoot her. He goes to the room, and after 20 minutes comes back crying. Doc, I can’t kill her, I love her too much. The doctor sends him home and tells him it will be alright. The guy married 40 years, comes in ranting and raving, about how his wife is terrible, and he can’t deal with her anymore. The doctor, again, gives him the gun and tells him to shoot her and put her out of her misery. He goes into the room, locks the door, and the doctor hears six loud shots. Next, he hears scuffling and breaking stuff, followed by loud crashes, and silence. After a few minutes the doctor decides to break down the door, and runs in to find a woman lying on the floor, dead, with her eyeballs popped out. What happened, asked the doctor? The guy says, “Some jackass loaded the gun with blanks and I had to strangle the bitch !”

Matt's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part. Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years!", he said, cheerfully. "That's great, son. Keep up the good work! Before you know it, they'll give you a speaking part!"

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other." He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go along." So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel. She said, 'That was incredible!" He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along." So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool. She did laps in freestyle, breast stroke, even butterfly! After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard. He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?" "No, she said, I was a hooker in Detroit and I worked both sides of the river."

Walking through the woods a man comes upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquires, "Just out of curiosity, what the hell are you doing?" "I'm listening to the music of the tree." "You gotta be kiddin me." "No ,would you like to give it a try?" "Well, OK..." So he wraps his arms around the tree and presses his ear up against the tree With this the other guy slaps a set of hand cuffs on him, takes his wallet jewelry, car keys, then strips him ass naked and leaves. Two hours later another nature lover strolls by, sees this guy hand cuffed to the tree, stark ass naked and asked, "What the hell happened to you?" He tells the guy the whole story about how he got there, but while he was doing so the guy shakes his head in sympathy walks around behind him, kisses him behind the ear and says. "This just ain't your day."

There was this tall lanky cowboy sitting at a bar when a married lady happened to notice his unusually large boots. She walked over and shyly asked if it was true what she had heard about men with large feet. He proudly announced "Yes Maa'm - it is and I would gladly go out back and show you" She declined revealing to him that she was married. Returning to her seat, she ordered another drink. Thinking to herself that her husband was out of town and she had never done anything like this before, she went back to the cowboy and asked him to spend the night with her. The next morning the woman woke up and handed the cowboy a $100 bill. Blushing the cowboy declined and said "Gosh Ma'am - I'm terribly flattered, but it was all my pleasure - You don't got to pay me" Handing it to him again the woman said " Don't be flattered - Just take it and get yourself some boots that fit "!!!!!!

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas." The barman says "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day." "Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay." The next day the same guy came into the bar and placed the same order for drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!" On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said "Darn! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?" "Yeah, my wife..." 

Two men are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window and "WHACK," the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver says, "What the heck was that for?" The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car." The driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here." The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license  back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and "WHACK," the trooper smacks him with the nightstick, too. The passenger says, "What did you do that for?"  The trooper says, "Just making your wish come true."  The passenger says, "Huh?"  The trooper says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, 'I wish that jerk would've tried that shit with me.'" 

An old man goes into Baskin Robin’s walking shakily with a cane. He sits down at the counter and orders a chocolate sundae. The guy behind the counter asks him, "Crushed nuts?" The old man replied, "No, arthritis." 

Mary went to the doctor complaining of body odor. "Do you wash?" the doctor asked the smelly young girl. "Oh, yes," Mary answered. "Each morning, I start at my head and wash down as far as possible. Then I start at my feet and I wash up as far as possible." "Well," the doctor concluded, "Go home and wash 'possible'!!!"

Two Nuns are riding their bicycles down the back streets of Rome. One leans over to the other and says, "I've never come this way before." The other nun whispers, "It's the cobblestones."

A missionary suddenly realized that the one thing he hadn't yet taught the natives he served was how to speak English, so he takes the chief for a walk in the jungle. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the missionary points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock." The missionary is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple of the natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. Flustered, the missionary quickly says to the chief, "Riding a bike." The chief looks at the preoccupied couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them. The missionary goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other.  "How could you kill these people in cold blood that way?" he demands. "My bike," the chief replied.

Every Sunday this man goes to church and he falls asleep during the service.
So every Sunday the Pastor gets upset. One day the Pastor decides that he is going to play a trick on the man. The  man came to church and sure enough during the service he began to snore. The pastor who is truly annoyed Yells out pointing at the  man "You in the back Who died on the cross for you?" An old woman sitting behind the man pokes him in the bum with the pointed end of her cane. The man jumps up and screams "Jesus Christ"!!.  The pastor was confused as to how the man knew the answer to his question. So he continued on with his service.  Pretty soon the pastor heard snoring again coming from the man. So he decides to try getting him again. So the Pastor Yells out again "You", pointing at the man, Who is in Heaven waiting for you?" Again the old lady pokes the man in the bum.  The man jumps up and screams "My God"!!!! The Pastor is some what annoyed that his trick is not working.  Still he continues on with his message.  A little while later the pastor hears snoring again. So he decides that he is going to ask a really hard question this time.  So again he says "You in the back", What did Eve say to Adam when she had her 13th child?" Again the little old lady pokes the man in his bum. The man jumps up and Screams "If you stick that thing in me one more time..............."  

There was a terrible car accident one day There were body parts in the road, and a large crowd had gathered at the scene, surrounding the yellow accident scene tape and the police. A drunk wanders up and starts to enter, under the tape. One of the cops says, “Hey, buddy, get back!” But the drunk replies, wobbling, “Jusht a sec- second. I think this is my buddy’s car.” One of the other cops says, “It might help us identify these victims, let’s let him in.” The drunk staggers in, and at hid feet is the severed head of a victim. He picks it up by the ears, and is staring at it. The first cop says, “Damn, fella, is that your buddy?” The drunk stares at the head and says, “Nope. He was taller than this.”

A guy walks into a bar holding three ducks. He sets them on the bar and orders a drink. After talking with the bartender for a while, the man excuses himself to use the restroom. The bartender feel a tad awkward with just himself and three ducks at the bar, so he decides to make small talk with them. He asks the first duck, "What's your name?" "Huey," replies the duck. "So, how's your day been?" "Oh, I've had a great day," replies Huey. "I've been in and out of puddles all day." The bartender asks the second duck, "What's your name?" "Duey," replies the duck. "So, how's your day been?" "Oh, I've had a great day," replies Duey. "I've been in and out of puddles all day." The witty bartender says to the third duck, "So I guess your name is Louie?" The duck replies, "No, I'm Puddles."

A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a handsaw so he sees another man on the 1st floor. He yells down to him, but he can't hear, so he does sign language. The man on the 3rd floor does sign language. He points at his eye meaning "I", points at his knee meaning "need", and moves his hand back and forth in a handsaw motion. The man on the 1st floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, and starts masturbating. The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry he runs down to the 1st floor and says," What the fuck is wrong with you dumb ass? I said I need handsaw!!" The other guy says," I knew that, I was just trying to tell you I'm coming."

A policeman passes a parking lot around midnight and notices a couple inside a parked car. He stops to investigate and sees a man in the driver’s seat and a young lady sitting in the backseat, quietly reading a magazine. The officer knocks on the driver’s window and asks what’s going on. “Listening to music,” the guy says. Pointing toward the young lady in the backseat, the officer asks, “And what’s she doing?” “Reading a magazine, of course.” “How old are you?” asks the officer. “I’m 28.” “And how old is she?” The guy looks at his watch and says, “Well, in 11 minutes she’ll be 18.”

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong. "What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock" the drunk replied. A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend. "Yup" replied the drunk. "How's it work?" the second guest asked, squinting at it. "Watch" the man said. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed "For god sake, you asshole....it's ten past three in the morning!"

A guy starts talking to two women in a bar who turn out to be Siamese twins. They wind up back at his apartment. He makes love to one, and then to the other. A few weeks later, the girls are walking past the guy's apartment building. One of the girls says, "Let's stop up and see that guy." The other girl says, "Gee...do you think he'd remember us?"

A father spoke to his son, "It's time we had a little talk, my son. Soon, you will have urges and feelings you've never had before. Your heart will pound and your hands will sweat. You'll be preoccupied and won't be able to think of anything else." He added, "But don't worry, it's perfectly normal...it's called golf!"

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready. "All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."

As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia after surgery, he said, "Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?" "There's a big fire across the street," the doctor replied. "We didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."

A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked. "What did you take?" his priest asked. "Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake." "This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?" "No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber."

Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball. After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in hands of a skeleton! Joe immediately called out to his friend, "Jack, I've got trouble down here!" "What's the matter?" Jack asked from the edge of the ravine. "Bring me my wedge," Joe shouted. "You can't get out of here with an eight iron!"

Two, old drunks in a bar. The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with either of my hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. "By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand" "So, "says the second drunk, "what's your point" "Well, "says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for old times’ sake. He hires a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He’s going at it as best as he can for a guy his age. The old sailor asks, “How am I doing?” The prostitute replies, “Well, sailor, you’re doing about three knots.” “Three knots?” he replies, “What’s that supposed to mean?” The prostitute says, “You’re knot hard, you’re knot in, and you’re knot getting your money back.”

A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee queer. The bartender looks up and says, “You ain’t from around here, are ya? Where ya from, boy?” The guy says, “I’m from Iowa.” The bartender asks, “What the heck you do in Iowa?” The guy responds, “I’m a taxidermist.” The bartender asks, “A taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?” The guy says nervously, “I mount animals.” The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, “It’s okay boys, he’s one of us!”

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.” The first man said. “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife,” The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.” Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

A Husband and wife are getting ready for bed. the wife is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself. "You know love" she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, my bum is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs and my arms are all flabby." She then turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself" He thinks about it for a bit and then says, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight".

The secretary came in late for work the third day in a row. The boss called her into his office and said, "Now look Sharon, I know we had a wild fling for a while, but that's over. I expect you to conduct yourself like any other employee around here. Who told you you could come and go as you please around here?" Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling said, "My lawyer."

"Doc," said the young man lying down on the couch, "you've got to help me!" Every night I have the same horrible dream. I'm lying in bed when all of the sudden five women rush in and start tearing off my clothes." The psychiatrist nodded, "And what do you do?" "I push them away." "I see. What do you want me to do?" The patient implored. "Break my arms."

And God created woman and she had three breasts. He then asked her, "Is there anything you'd like to have changed?" She replied, "Yes, could we get rid of this middle breast?" And so it was done and it was good. Then the woman exclaimed as she was holding the that  third breast in her hand, "What can be done with this useless boob?" And God created man.

This pirate walks into a bar with the steering wheel of a ship sticking out of the zipper of his pants. The bartender says, "Hey, there is a steering wheel sticking out of your zipper." The pirate replies, "Aaarrrgh, and it's driving me nuts."

After a long night of making love this guy rolls over and was looking around, when he noticed a framed picture of another man on the night stand by the bed. Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously. "No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear. "Is it your dad or your brother?" he said, hoping to be reassured. "No, no, no!!!" she said. "Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy. Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the surgery.

HER DIARY
Sunday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and aloof. I asked him what  was wrong - he said, "Nothing."   I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.  
 He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too." When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV; he seemed  distant and vacant. Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that his thoughts were somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I also fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY
Today the Bengals lost again, but at least I got laid.

Out at sea, there was a guy whale and a girl whale. They were swimming along when the guy whale noticed a ship sailing towards them. Aboard the ship was the sea captain that had killed the guy whale's father. He turned to the girl whale and told her what had happened, then suggested that they should do something. "We should swim underneath the boat and blow air out of our holes to tip the boat over," he said. So the two whales did just that. To their surprise they saw the crew still alive and swimming towards the shore. "Come on, we have to go eat them!" yelled the guy whale. The girl whale turned to him and said, "Hey, I went along with the blowjob, but I AM NOT going to eat the SEAMEN!"

A blonde walks up to a soda machine and puts in a few coins. She pushed the button of her choice and a soda comes out. She then proceeds to do it again, and once again a soda comes out. The blonde continues to do this until a long line forms behind her. The man right behind the bass player then taps her on the shoulder and says "Hey, can you get out of here... some of us would like something to drink too." The blonde turns around and says, "Walk away while I'm winning? I don't think so."

Three old ornery grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. About then an old man walked by, and one of the grandmas says, "We bet we can tell how old you are."
The old man replied, "There ain`t no way you can guess it." One of the ornery grandmas said, "Sure we can! Just drop your undershorts and we can tell your exact age." So of course, he did what they asked. The grandmas stared at him for a while, one reached out an poked around a bit, then each took turns doing the same. Finally, after about 10 minutes, they all piped up and said, "You`re 84 years old!" The old man was stunned. "Amazing! How did you guess that?" The ornery old grandmas laughed. Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three happily yelled in unison, "You told us yesterday."

More proof that the internet is a valuable resource. Enjoy! http://homepages.nildram.co.uk/~blagger/the_duel.html

      Subject: Philosophy 101

       A professor stood before his Philosophy 101 class with some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed it was. So the professor picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He then asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "yes." The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and proceeded to pour the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed. "Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to
       recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things--your family, your partner, your health, your children, your friends, your favorite passions--things, that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house,  your car. The sand is everything else--the small stuff." "If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.    Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. Play another 18. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal." "Take care of the golf balls first--the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand." One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."

 The University of Poland science students have finally finished their digital clock they have been working on for 4 years. This is a real clock, and its pretty cool  Go to this site to see it: http://www.yugop.com/ver3/stuff/03/fla.html

Gus said to his wife over dinner, "You know, drinking makes you beautiful." Puzzled, the woman said, "I don't drink." "I know," said Gus, "but I do."

A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves. "What are you doing in there?" she asked. The rabbit replied: "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?", to which the lady replied "Yes". ... "Well," the rabbit said, "I'm westing".