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Bracken's Pub Joke Page 5
A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the
sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant
you one wish." The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride
over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking ; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It
will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little
more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind." The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I
wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent
treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
Little Red Fire Truck - A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station when he noticed a little girl nearby in
a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides & a garden hose tightly coiled in the
middle. The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog & her cat. The fire
fighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter said
with admiration." Thanks," the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer & noticed the
girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar & to the cat's testicles. "Little partner," the firefighter
said. "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's
collar, I think you could go faster." The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably
right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
Kentucky Ten Commandments
Some people in Kentucky have trouble with all those "shalls" and "shall nots" in the Ten Commandments. Folks just aren't used to talking in those terms. So, some folks in Southeastern Kentucky got together and translated the "King James" into "Harlan County" language.... no joke, read on...
The Hillbilly's Ten Commandments (posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Harlan, Ky.)
(1) Just one God
(2) Honor yer Ma & Pa
(3) No tellin' tales or gossipin'
(4) Git yourself to Sunday meetin'
(5) Put nothin' before God
(6) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal
(7) No killin'
(8) Watch yer mouth
(9) Don't take what ain't yers
(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff
Now that's kinda plain an' simple, don't ya think? Y'all have a nice day.
Eight Words with two Meanings
1 . THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female ..... Any part under a car's hood.
Male.... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female .... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's
partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the
boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male..... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can
achieve .
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5
minutes.
He said . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. She said . . . You wear pants don't you?
*************************
He said . . Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while
I sit on the sofa and fart!
****************** *******
He said . . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . .Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
*************************
He said . . Why don't women blink during foreplay? She said . . They don't have time
*************************
She said Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good-looking?
He said . . .. . They already have boyfriends.
*************************
She said ...What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every night?
He said . . . A widow.
*************************
He said . . . Why are married women heavier than single women? She said . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go
to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
*************************
Are blonds really this dumb?
FIRST DEGREE:
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone,
listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know! It was some woman wanting to know
if the coast is clear."
SECOND DEGREE:
Two blondes were walking down the street. One noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She opened it,
looked in the mirror and said, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde said, "Here, let me see!"
So the first blonde handed her the compact. The second one looked in the mirror and said, "You dummy, it's
me!
THIRD DEGREE:
A blonde suspected her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she went out and bought a gun. She went to his apartment unexpectedly
and when she opened the door she found him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opened her purse
to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She took the gun and put it to her head.
The boyfriend yelled, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The blonde replied, "Shut up ... You're next!"
FOURTH DEGREE:
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly said, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."
A friend said, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy: W."
FIFTH DEGREE:
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?
SIXTH DEGREE:
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew
what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the
decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware"
SEVENTH DEGREE:
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police
at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a
K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde
ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands,
she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a
BLIND policeman."
The Journey of a Man - When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time
and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was
totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did
mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to
find a girl with some real ambition. When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted
firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big hooters.
Interesting Year 1981
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. The pope died
Interesting Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament
4. The pope died
Lesson to be learned:
The next time Charles gets married, someone warn the pope.
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the
end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E. coli) bacteria found in feces. In other
words, we are consuming 1 kilo of Poop. However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, BEER
or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember:
Water = Poop
Beer = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink beer and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.
There's no need to thank me for this valuable information; I'm doing it as a public service.
A Woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home
unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have a baseball." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "My dad's outside." Man: "OK, how much?" Boy: "$250!" In the next few weeks, it happens again that
the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have a baseball glove." The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,"How much?" Boy: "$750" Man: "Sold." A few days later, the father says to the boy ,"Grab your glove,let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" Boy: "$1,000" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends
like that...that is way more than those two things cost.I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy
sit in the confessional booth and closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that shit again; you're in my closet now."
A girl from Ohio and a girl from the east coast were seated side by side onan airplane. The girl from Ohio, being friendly and all said, "So, where ya
from?" The east coast girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use
a preposition at the end of a sentence. The girl from Ohio sat quietly for a few moments and then replied: "So, where ya from....bitch?"
DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN...?
All the girls had ugly gym uniforms? It took five minutes for the TV warm up?
Nearly everyone's Mom was at home when the kids got home from school? Nobody owned a purebred dog?
When a quarter was a decent allowance? You'd reach into a muddy gutter for a
penny? Your Mom wore nylons that came in two pieces?
All your male teachers wore neckties and female teachers had their hair done every day and wore high heels?
You got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped, without asking, all for free, every time?
And you didn't pay for air? And, you got trading stamps to boot? Laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box?
It was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real
restaurant with your parents? They threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed. . . and they did?
When a 57 Chevy was everyone's dream car...to cruise, peel out, lay rubber or watch submarine races, and people went steady?
No one ever asked where the car keys were because they were always in the car,
in the ignition, and the doors were never locked? Lying on your back in the grass with your
friend sand saying things like, "That cloud looks like a... " and playing baseball with no adults to help kids with the rules of the
game? Stuff from the store came without safety caps and hermetic seals because no
one had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger? And with all our progress, don't you just wish, just once, you could slip
back in time and savor the slower pace, and share it with the children of today?
When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited the student at home?
Basically we were in fear for our lives, but it wasn't because of drive-by
shootings, drugs, gangs, etc. Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat! But we survived because their love was greater than the
threat. Send this on to someone who can still remember Nancy Drew, the Hardy Boys, Laurel and Hardy,
Howdy Dowdy and the Peanut Gallery, the Lone Ranger, The Shadow Knows, Nellie Bell, Roy and Dale, Trigger and Buttermilk.
As well as summers filled with bike rides, baseball games, Hula Hoops, bowling and visits to the pool,
and eating Kool-Aid powder with sugar. Didn't that feel good, just to go back and say, "Yeah, I remember that"?
I am sharing this with you today because it ended with a double dog dare to
pass it on. To remember what a double dog dare is, read on. And remember that the perfect age is somewhere between old enough to know better and too
young to care. How many of these do you remember?
^Candy cigarettes^
^Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside^ ^Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles^
^Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes^ ^Blackjack, Clove and Teaberry chewing gum^
^Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers^ ^Newsreels before the movie^
^P.F. Fliers^ ^Telephone numbers with a word prefix...(Raymond 4-601). Party lines^
^Peashooters^ ^Howdy Dowdy^ ^Hi-Fi's^ ^45 RPM records^ ^78 RPM records!^ ^Green Stamps^
^Metal ice cubes trays with levers^ ^Mimeograph paper^ ^Beanie and Cecil^
^Roller-skate keys^ ^Cork pop guns^ ^Drive ins^ ^Studebakers^ ^Washtub wringers^
^The Fuller Brush Man^ ^Reel-To-Reel tape recorders^ ^Tinkertoys^ ^Erector Sets^
^The Fort Apache Play Set^ ^Lincoln Logs^ ^15 cent McDonald hamburgers^ ^5 cent packs of baseball cards - with that awful pink slab of bubble gum^
^Penny candy^ ^25 cent a gallon gasoline^ ^Jiffy Pop popcorn^
Do you remember a time when... Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-moe"?
Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "Do Over!"? "Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest?
Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening? It wasn't odd to have two or three "Best Friends"?
The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was "cooties"? Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot?
Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute commercials for action figures?
"Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense? Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down was cause for giggles?
The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team? War was a card game?
Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle? Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin?
Water balloons were the ultimate weapon? If you can remember most or all of these, then you have lived!!!!!!!
Pass this on to anyone who may need a break from their "grown-up" life . .I
double-dog-dare-ya!
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then
I stopped." The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You're not to see that woman again For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was
watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without
torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he
can, with love and compassion. After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad
takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar
patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink
again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!" The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay.
Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to
drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!!" The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to
polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes. By now the boy is getting tipsy, but
with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs
pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands
up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and
kills him instantly The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,
(Wait for it)
(It's coming)
(Ya ready?)
(Don't hate me)?
(Ya gonna hate me)
(Take a deep breath)
"He should've quit while he was a head!"
Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction
workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.
A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on
the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in
all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them
"gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had
coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her
mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings
account. When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the
little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a
real construction crew building the new house next door to us." "Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will
you be working on the house again this week, too?" The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot
ever deliver the f*ckin' sheet rock..."
Apple Computers announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's
breast implants. The iBoob will cost between $499 and $599. This is considered to be a major breakthrough,
because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
Thanks to Apple, everyone is now happy.
Six Affairs
The 1st Affair:
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" his wife
demanded. "I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."
"You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
The 2nd Affair:
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?" The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"
The 3rd Affair:
A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. "I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"
The 4th Affair:
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue." "What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned
thing."
The 5th Affair:
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man thought. He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied. "A nickel?" exclaimed the man "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife." The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
The 6th Affair:
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to," his wife replied. "No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."
A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She lowers her altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below.
She shouts to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where
I am." The man consults his portable GPS and replies, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation
of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west
longitude. She rolls her eyes and says, "You must be a Republican!" "I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," answers the balloonist, "everything you tell me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your
information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you're not much help to me." The man smiles and responds, "You must be a Democrat."
"I am," replies the balloonist. "How did you know?" "Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are, due to a
large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your
problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met , but, somehow, now it's my fault."
There were two nuns...
One of them was known as Sister
Mathematical (SM),
and the other one was known as Sister
Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still
far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has
been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half
minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape
us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will
reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of
course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The
man did the only logical thing. He started to walk
faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this
rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do
is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister
Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the
convent and is worried about what has happened to
Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are
here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened.
The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened.
I started to run as fast as I could and he started to
run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL : The only logical thing happened.
He reached me.
SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL : The only logical thing to do.
I lifted my dress up.
SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do.
He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A
nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it
would be dirty,
Say two Hail Marys!
Coroner's Report
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their
faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. Coroner tells the Inspector: "First body: A Frenchman, 72, died of heart
failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile." "Second body: "Irishman, 25, won a thousand dollars on the
lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?" "Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Danny
Earl, the Redneck from Mississippi , 30, struck by lightning." "Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken."
Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and
gag himself.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave
unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten
to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are ' XL.'
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking
how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs?'
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way.
I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra .
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable. First you forget names, then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all
these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband
that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint
a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for
work,
she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of
paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of
sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is ok. She replies yes.
He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him
that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then
asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....
FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.
Pregnancy questions and answers
Q: Should I have a baby after 35? A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex? A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural? A! : Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth? A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower? A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the
word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought
my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called
on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."
She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little TONY.
"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!'"
A fellow walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be more than ten thousand dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?" "Well......you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Lexus."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. And so he asks... "What are the three tests?"
"You must pay first...... Those are the rules," says the bartender. So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.
"Okay," the bartender says, "here's what you need to do: First - You have to drink a
whole q uart of tequila, in a minute or less, and you can't make a face while doing it.
Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.
Third - There's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never had sex....You have to take care of that problem!"
The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of
tequila, and then do all those other things..." "Your call," says the bartender.... "but, your money stays where it is."
As time goes on, and the man has a few more drinks, he finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?"
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks... but he doesn't make
a face, and he did it in fifty-eight seconds! Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon the people inside the bar hear
growling and biting, and screaming... then nothing but silence! Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he
staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped open and there are scratches and bleeding all over his body.
He says..." Now where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"
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